A Special Review from Freelance Writer Jon Bloom

Cast Away Goes Astray

2 stars out of 4

In a cautious review I would pretend,
Cast Away
worked, despite a lame end.
But then my credibility would diminish.
Besides, the film had more flaws than just the finish.

So, lest you think I’ve lost my nerve
I will begin the dissection. Ready, observe.
Hold your horses, anyhow,
‘Cause away we go, starting now.

The duo that brought us Forrest Gump
Now drop this dud—ooops, thump!
Hanks and director Zemeckis would seem like a yes.
But this subject’s best left to those at CBS.

The movie’s aim was the mighty ‘ka-ching,’
To cash in on the whole Survivor thing.
Although, to its credit, the studio chose not to hawk  
Bearded Hanks dolls and other Cast Away schlock.

One problem with the movie, bien sur,
Is the same one that Survivor endured:
Just like Richard, Hanks’ Chuck was hard on the eye.
Who wants to watch a sweaty, fat, bare-chested guy?

But, I wouldn’t vote Chuck off the island just yet,
‘Cause that led to an epilogue to regret:
Drama, sentiment, tears galore…

The survival stuff was cool, but the drama’s a disgrace
You know what they say: ‘Don’t switch horses mid-race.’
The reason the movie is a mite shoddy:
It tries to be everything to everybody.

The movie seemingly hits a wall
With Hanks talking to a blood-smeared volleyball.
Yet, not so fast¾quit your bitching.
The coolest character is the one with stitching.

And I’m not sure why the trailers gave it all away
They must have figured people would see it anyway.
And they were right¾it has raked in the dough.
Tom Hanks gains weight and people pay—quid pro quo

The movie wasn’t all bad, the island part was great
Who knew you could cut a coconut with a skate!
And, of course, the scenery was a delight.
But there’s a friendly whale and no animal fight?

Then that ending, what was the story?
Chuck alone at the crossroads--gee is that allegory?
Lame metaphors are the worst, I do submit.
It’s called subtlety. (pause) Look into it.

And while we’re at it, wasn’t that goodbye a bit dramatic?
‘Here’s a ring, I’ll be home soon. I’m so ecstatic.’
Give the viewer some credit, at least a shred.
Note to Zemeckis: no one likes being hit over the head.

As for Helen Hunt, hmmm…what to say?
How did she get famous anyway?
Oh yeah, now I remember her debut,
She was the one kvetching on Mad About You.

Oh, and Helen, you forgot one thing:
If you’re with that other guy, where the hell is Chuck’s ring?
But this is Hollywood and we’re not supposed to think it weird,
That Chuck gave her a ring and then onto a plane he disappeared.

But Hollywood likes its epics and we do too.
Just make them better—it’s long overdue.
I’ll give Tom Hanks a parting gift, though:
Cast Away
’s better than Joe Versus the Volcano.

Tell me what you think of this rhyming review.

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